The glass door opens, and a smiling host in a suit and tie welcomes guests to Canlis, a fine
dining restaurant in Seattle. Low light, fireplace crackling, and white linen on the tables
create an air of elegance. Over 100 servers, cooks, and employees buzz around with grace
and speed to serve guests celebrating an anniversary or college graduation.

Food & Wine Magazine called Canlis “one of the 40 most important restaurants in the past
40 years.” Canlis has also been nominated for 15 James Beard Awards, which recognizes
“exceptional talent and achievement in the culinary arts, hospitality, media, and the broader
food system.” They won three.

The secret to their success? “To live out and grow the idea that more often than not, it’s
worth putting other people first,” says Mark Canlis with a grin, who took over the family
business in 2007, alongside his brother. “We’ve sought to understand what turning towards
one another really looks like and in so doing, see if our restaurant would stand the test of
time.”

Having endured since 1950 – and surviving a global pandemic that evaporated the need for
fine dining in a matter of days – Canlis has indeed stood the test of time because of their
focus on relationships, with both customers and employees. “Discovering what your
employee wants might be the most valuable and precious thing you can do as a business
owner,” he states. The culture embraced by Canlis employees is the true secret sauce to
their fine dining success. [i]

Relationships are the marrow of workplace culture: between management and employees,
employees and fellow employees, and employees and customers. They’re the heartbeat of a
school or company, and they’re also a source of tension, pain, and ultimately why people Quit.

One study found the top reasons people quit included lack of recognition, bad managers,
poor organizational communication, and unrecognized employee efforts. [ii] A Harvard
Business Review article echoed the same story: people quit principally because of bad
management or a lack of appreciation. [iii] Interestingly, compensation is always down the list
on what keep people at jobs, but relationships, communication, and workplace culture are
always at the top. [iv]

Family and work are the contexts for the growth – or deterioration – of human relationships.
To work well we must embrace relationships, whether we’re managers or employees, order-
givers or order-takers. But relationships are flat out hard work, especially in a lonely,
individualistic culture built on the myth of personal success. “Love one another as I have first
loved you,” can be a thorny proposition in the realities of manufacturing, retail, public
education, or food service. Yet for those who worship a God who is relationship, learning to live and work alongside other human beings, with all their flaws and quirks, is essential.

Healthy Relationships

One of my former co-workers, Lisa Slayton, proudly got a tattoo for her 60th birthday.
Emblazoned on her ankle is an image of the Trinity, with three hands each holding a cup,
pouring out living water into one another’s cup. For Lisa, a former nonprofit CEO and
vocational discernment coach, this image of the Trinity is the model for healthy relationships.

Secular culture is built around the individual and individual rights; but Christianity is built
around the Triune God, who is Father, Son and Holy Spirit. God is distinctly three different
persons, yet always connected to the other Persons of the Trinity through self-giving love.
He is a “divine dance,” in the words of Franciscan priest Richard Rohr, into which his people
are called to participate (1 Peter 1:4).

Distinct but connected, receiving love yet giving love, self-assured yet self-sacrificial –
Christian doctrines give us a model for healthy, satisfying relationships.

One way to think about healthy relationships is the ability to “differentiate” yourself, yet stay
connected to others. Edwin Freidman, a rabbi, family therapist, leadership consultant, and
author, writes, “Differentiation means the capacity of a family member to define his or her own life’s
goals and values apart from surrounding togetherness pressures, to say “I” when
others are demanding “you” and “we.” It includes the capacity to maintain a
(relatively) non-anxious presence in the midst of anxious systems, to take maximal
responsibility for one’s own destiny and emotional well-being…The concept should
not be confused with autonomy or narcissism, however. Differentiation means the
capacity to be an “I” while remaining connected.”[v]

Murray Bowen, an American psychiatrist and founder of family systems theory, proposed a
scale of differentiation. On one side is enmeshment, being completely lost in another and
letting that person command your sense of well-being and identity. On the other side is
detachment and being emotionally cut off from relationships. Health is in the middle:
balancing individuation with togetherness or intimacy. It is staying in relationship with others
while being very clear about one’s own beliefs and values. [vi]

In the gospels, we see Christ living out this kind of balanced differentiation. He was in
relationship with his 12 disciples, yet he also sought solitude to pray. Jesus had a crystal-
clear understanding of his convictions, values and purpose. Staying true to these, he
challenged the Pharisees, and, when necessary, his closest friends, like Peter. As Christ
hung on the cross, he did this perfectly, staying connected to his mother and John, yet
unwavering in his commitment to God’s plan of salvation. He is distinct from those around
him, yet intimately connected to his followers.

Practically speaking, the test for our relationships comes when we face a crisis. When a
child throws a spoon at us in anger at the dinner table and we feel the blood rushing to our
head, how will we respond? (I’m speaking hypothetically, of course!) Or when your boss
disciplines you for not completing a project on time that you did not have the authority or
budget to complete, and your heart begins to race, how will you respond?

“Maturity is the ability to maintain a relational state under pressure.” – Tracy Mathews

Tracy Mathews, the founder of Attune, says, “Maturity is the ability to maintain a relational
state under pressure.” [vii] That is, when you feel a surge of rage or stress behind your eyes,
can you calmly state your perspective and allow the other person to share theirs? Or do you
flee, fight, or freeze?

Taking responsibility for your own emotions, refusing to negate or write others off, and responding with clarity, conviction and connectedness in a moment of stress is the test of the emotionally mature individual.

This article is an excerpt from my latest book Working from the Inside Out: A Brief Guide to Inner Work that Transforms Our Outer World. It’s also available as an audio book. Click here for a free study guide. 

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[i] “Becoming,” Faith & Co at Seattle Pacific University, 21 August 2020,
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wfEmU5UMSXU.

[ii] Laurence Hebberd, “10 Reasons Why People Really Quit Their Jobs,” Undercover Recruiter,
https://theundercoverrecruiter.com/why-people-quit/.

[iii] “Why People Quit,” Harvard Business Review, September 2016, https://hbr.org/2016/09/why-people-quit-their-jobs.

[iv] “The Top 9 Qualities of a Great Place to Work,” Top WorkPlaces, 5 August 2020, https://topworkplaces.com/the-top-9-qualities-of-a-great-workplace/.

[v] Edwin Friedman, Generation to Generation (New York: Guilford Press, 1985), 27.

[vi] For more on this, start with: Murray Bowen, Family Therapy in Clinical Practice (New York: Jason Aronson, Inc, 1993).

[vii] Tracy told me she originally got this quote from: Jim Wilder, Renovated (Colorado Springs: Nav Press, 2020).